I am awful at blogging. Not awful in that I cannot write, but awful in that I don't make time for it. There are a lot of things I would like to do, or do more of, but don't make the time for. This is one of them. I constantly think of things I would like to blog about in my head at night before falling asleep, but that is as far as I've gone since 2011. Yes, I'm really bad at blogging. So why did I wake up this morning and decide that what I thought about last night, as I drifted away, was really worth making the time? I didn't. It decided for me. It's something I want to get off my chest. I want to let it go. Not necessarily to share it with others, but just to get it all out. So here it goes...
Last night Adam and I ended the night on a sour note. We didn't get into a huge fight or argument; No fists were thrown or nasty words yelled at one another, but he wasn't happy with the way the day progressed and I wasn't happy because I felt like I couldn't win. I'm a busy person. I have a full plate and unfortunately at the end of day there are always things I wanted to do or get done that I didn't. Adam had wanted for me to take some time out of my day for him and once the day was over and he was ready for his time, I was half asleep. It sucked. He got his feelings hurt because he felt I didn't care and I ending up feeling like crap. Total crap! We came to the conclusion that we are just different. Men and woman are different. SHOCKING! But as I tried to go to sleep I just couldn't stop feeling like the worst person in the world. Why? As I laid there trying to hold back tears I also realized that the reason such a little miscommunication (one that we had actually resolved and came to a new understanding) affected me so greatly is because my marriage is the most important relationship (in this world) to me. It's no new revelation for me as I've always known and made it known, but when things go south, even for just a minute, it is the only thing that has the capacity to make me feel like I've really failed. I then realized I haven't failed; Far from it. I failed for the day; Yes, but hopefully everything that happened will only make us stronger and understand one another better.
I know a lot of other woman with kids will sometimes feel like a failure as a parent. If your child makes poor decisions or does something wrong, they will blame themselves. On a micro scale, I know a lot of parents let little things make them feel badly. A lot of people feel like a failure when they have to work or take time away from their children for themselves. I've taken a lot of criticism from many people for taking an extended vacation away from Landon. Adam and I went to Europe for two weeks last year without our son and I cannot tell you the number of people who said something directly to me, my husband, or my sister-in-law when they found out we were leaving Landon at home. Some people were appalled, most commented on how hard it would be on us, and almost everyone was aghast to find out we're are leaving him again this year (but for three weeks instead). I let the criticism of others roll off without hesitation. I don't subscribe to the parenting of this current culture. So other people's thoughts and opinions on how I will feel or what I should do mean nothing to me. I don't lose sleep wondering why Landon isn't as smart, happy, advanced, etc. as other kids. Mainly because I don't concern myself how other parents and/or kids are doing. I don't read the parental books or forums to see what progress Landon should be making at his age and when people tell me he is so smart I just shrug my shoulders because for all I know he could be a year behind. More than that, I don't care. I just don't put this kind of pressure on myself as a parent.
Why? Because I raise Landon with goals in mind. Goals for what I want to instill in him while he grows. Although there are many things I want for my son I try to focus on three major ones. More than anything in this world I want to raise Landon to be a good person and to be happy. I think happiness is the key to life and I think happiness and goodness go hand in hand. I think only good people can be truly happy. Moreover, I think people who find God have a much higher level of happiness than those without God. Leading a life in the way that God has called us leaves us fulfilled, happy, and of course good. If I could have one wish granted this would be my wish for all of the world and the most important thing I can ever hope to instill in my son. Secondly, I want him to find a person that will increase his happiness to a degree he never even imagined possible; A spouse. Someone who will make him want to be a better person everyday and will give back to him just as much as he gives to them. There isn't a single human relationship that is more fulfilling than one from a spouse and I know many people go their whole life without having this. If Landon can be a good person and a happy person I think he will have a better chance and I hope to show him how to truly love. Thirdly, I want him to appreciate, respect and love his family. Whomever that may be. If he is childless that is his choice, but as long as he has family, I hope that he always cherishes and respects them. This goes for people that are in blood, in laws, and people that he willingly brings into his life and thinks of them as family (friends).
I don't know how to raise Landon with these three goals in mind without living them everyday myself. Leading by example so to speak. I think the best way to instill this three things into Landon is for him to see them first hand everyday. I try everyday to be happy. Sometimes it comes so easy that is spews from my heart and I feel like I cannot even handle the amount of happiness and joy I have in this life. I take time to do things that make me happy even if that takes away from time with my son and/or husband. Seeing my husband and my son snuggling on the couch literally makes my heart grow three times it's size and makes me the happiest person in the world. Other days it's a complete struggle. I wake up and just want to be unhappy and nasty, but I've learned that my feelings should never guide my actions. I'm a girl! Letting my feelings run the show could be a very bad thing. So being happy is a personal struggle and victory. One that I work on everyday that I have to. On top of that, I try to always live in a way that reflects my beliefs in God and Jesus Christ. I have found that the more I go to church, the happier I am. For Lent I decided to try go to church everyday and everyday when I left Mass I came out happier and more fulfilled. Living a life centered around God has made me a better, happier person and has taught me to be a better person. I strive to always maintain that relationship.
In finding a spouse, I've come to realize that there is large amount of luck involved in finding the person you were meant to be with. I was fortunate enough to find that person, but holding on to them isn't about luck. We've been together over ten years and it's been amazing! When Landon was born and I almost lost my life, I feel that is when our love story truly began. At a time when most people are bonding with their newborns, my husband was vigilant by my bedside as I hung on to life in a medically induced coma for five weeks. For the four weeks that followed during my recuperation, I saw my son only twice while depending on my husband the same way Landon should have been depending on us. It was a life changing experience to say the least and it made me realize that the most important relationship in my life was being nurtured and growing in the oddest of times. What I was gaining from this horror though was more worthwhile than all the pain it had caused. I truly believe that the only way I can show Landon to be a good spouse, loving husband and soul mate is to show him through the relationship that his father and I have. For this reason, I put this above my relationship with my Son. And showing Landon will not stop when he leaves the house. I think adult children can learn as much, if not more, when they are in their own relationships. It may be the first time they even pay attention. I know I learned more in my ten years with my Husband about love from watching his Grandparents. Seeing that relationship be nurtured and watching it endure has had the biggest single impact on ours.
Lastly, I hope that Landon can see our family and friends and how close we are with them. This is also where I hope to teach Landon about raising children. I hope he realizes how much we love him, but also realizes that love does not mean letting him get his way, but always doing what is best for him. This will be another lesson that he won't be able to fully appreciate until he is much older. I hope he can see how important family and friends are and how much they can contribute to ones life. My Brother and his wife are the closest relationship to us outside our parents and we let them teach, as well discipline, Landon. I hope he can not only learn from our family, but grow from having them around as well. Sometimes family will test you and drive you crazy, but as long as he sees that in the end a family comes first then nothing else will matter.
So when I see the shock on another parents face when they find out that my husband I and are going to Europe it doesn't make me rethink everything. What they think has no bearing on my parenting. As long as I am trying and doing everything in my power to raise Landon in accordance to three components, then that is all I care about. Taking three weeks away for my happiness, to strengthen my marriage and to spend time with my husband is logical to me. I hope one day Landon can do the same when he is older. We realized that we are raising Landon, not playing a popularity contest with him or any other parents and that takes so much pressure off me as a parent. I don't feel guilty when I cannot keep up with others or can't give Landon everything his heart desires, because to me none of that is important to me.
Laying in bed last night beating myself up over a day that didn't go as planned only made me realize that I wasn't a piece of crap wife that I thought I was. I was a wife struggling that day and not succeeding in the way that I wanted for my marriage. When I was finally able to drift off to sleep it was only because I realized that I was raising my marriage and setting examples for my son. I will work everyday to maintain my goals and try to always maintain my happiness. I will succeed and in my goals and hopefully live along to see Landon succeed as well. After all, these are my ideals of success and I couldn't ask for anything more.
I could've written the first part of this post! I am the same way with Chris. I take out my bad days on him because I know he loves and cares for me the most. Lately I have had a heavy heart about making more time for my marriage. Sure, we are fine but I feel like our connections get lost with being a parent and the business of our lives!ReplyDelete
I know what you mean about losing the connection. We go through that and have our good and bad days and/or weeks. I'm sure you are just one great date night away from feeling better about it all. Balance so unbelievably hard.Delete